Another Uncle Tony Editorial Nov. 7, 1997
With the return of this feature (or rather perhaps, the formalization' of the "witch-with-a-b" column) I now take on the the state of Detroit's iron offerings - including those of Ma MoPar. Why do they not appeal to us - are we really the dinosaurs the politically correct tree-hugging bearded folk guitar-playing boobs say we are? Well, yes and no.
Can one work on a new car these days without the dignostic equipment and training that would have embarassed a hospital cardiac unit in the 1970's? The answer is no. And what are you going to do - hot rod your Breeze, so to speak? (Actually I do fantasize about putting a 360 crate motor in an Avenger, but why should one have to contemplate such near-impossible feats when Ford and GM still make V8RWD hot rods?) The continuing lame offerings of Ma MoPar for us gearheads is absolute torture, isn't it? Whither our NASCAR teams? And why let the Dodge Boys rot on the vine the last three years? Even MoPar Performance has gone astray, become flaccid, ineffective, nearly irrelevant. Where are the vital repros restorers need?
Detroit in general, and really all automotive offerings available in North America do little to fire the imagination or inspire the awe, devotion or loyalty of young or old. Remember the good old days' (what an old fart!) when we used to get so excited about the new cars, usually beginning in August when Peterson Publications, Popular Hot Rodding , Road & Track and the like used to unveil the new beauties? Think anyone cares a flying fig now what's coming up next? The love affair, the romance is on life support, if not actually dead. And why is this so? How has this happened?
There are a plethora of reasons including immigration, the entry of women into the equation (as designers and consumers), Japan's declaration of war and Detroit's (and Washington's!) feeble response and perhaps most serious of all, Chrysler's abdication of responsibility as leading light in the industry. When we were mopping up in NASCAR and the NHRA, inventing the 426 Street Wedge and Hemi, the winged cars, the 1968 Roadrunner philosophy, wild graphics and colours, speed, muscle, elegance, economy, everything was better and the others were inspired by our greatness. It was good for the industry and the consumer that Chryco dominated and was so delightfully, madly brilliant.
In those days the mother corp. Did more than turn out funky show cars or impractical rich men's toys like the Vipers and Prowler (did you notice VP Tom Gale didn't even want a Prowler, he built his own, with a blown 360 V8 in it!). We had the Imperial, the Valiant and Dart and all things in between, from family barge to exocet missile. Now we have nothing but Mommywagons and front wheel drive sedans. If that isn't Chryco going astray, nothing is. FWD sure, but never to the exclusion of V8RWD. Statistics tell us that now fully half the vehicles on the road are trucks! Why? Because people aren't interested in the toilet bugs' that the auto manufacturers offer. They want more size and more power. More macho vehicles. Does Chrysler offer a V8RWD car? No. If you want funk, you've gotta get a Dakota or a Ram. But they are trucks. Great trucks, the best in Christendom, but still trucks.
There is no hope for auto-dom until and unless Chrysler returns to its philosophy which gave us the greatest era in the history of the auto, 1960-1971. Others make modern muscle. Others make fun vehicles. Time for MoPar to get inspired: wake up, smell the coffee and set the world on fire. Awaken the sleeping giant and astonish the world. It's easy, we've done it so many times before. Time to stop "milking the Viper."
Tony McLean, B.A.
President, MoPar Experience
November 1996
Kanata, Ont., CANADA