Wayne County Mystery Solved!

The FBI announced today that at long last the mysterious break-in which occurred May 17, 1995 at the Wayne County Speed Shop had been solved and the related nitrous allegations by unnamed GM accusers settled. Assistant Deputy Director, Mid West Region, D.A. Dawg, told members of the press that a huge conspiracy had been uncovered: "We thought at first that the competition had done this to knock Alderman and Geoffrion out, but we uncovered something much more sinister." It turns out that President John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe, from their underground bunker in Montana, had hatched a plot with Wayne County, their alien ‘Area 51' fellow escapees and Sasquatch, who had taken time off from making footprints in B.C. and appearing on Geraldo to do some wall painting in Illinois. Further, while JFK lives, his libido has been destroyed by the near-fatal shot fired by none other than Darrell Alderman from his hollow peg leg on Nov. 22, 1963, which concealed a rifle which fired a nitrous-propelled exhaust valve which struck the President in the ...ahem...'lower extremities'. Marilyn is reported to be both devastated and seriously interested in Alderman's leg, and can be heard humming the Barracuda's 1976 hit song, "I Want My Woody Back," as has Kennedy, though it is thought he has something different in mind. "Ted's VW was on nitrous, that's why it jumped the bridge that night," JFK said in his Boston-accented best pahk the caah voice.

In addition, Mike Hutchens, Dave Sullivan, Darrell Alderman and Scott Geoffrion were also found to be the instigators of the Sino-Soviet and Chinese-Indian conflicts of the early-to mid 1960's. "It seems these Dodge Boys had their fingers in every pie you could imagine," Deputy Dawg fairly drawled. "Not only couldn't a MoPar engine on nitrous keep up to mighty genius Warren Johnson without, but Alderman was leaking military secrets to the U.S.S.R. and he killed the Tooth Fairy with some bad laughing gas in late 1972," the deputy claimed. "The Tooth Fairy was working for McGovern and Alderman wanted him out of the picture, he was a Nixon man all the way." Geoffrion, though only eight years old, drove the getaway car. "It was on nitrous too," Dawg grunted, "and they were smoking Cuban cigars at the time because they and Howard Hunt had a falling out with Jesse Helms," his index finger buried in his right nostril to the knuckle as he smiled at an autographed Bob Glidden "Gitanes" advertisement photo taken after Glidden's second triple bypass operation. (Nitrous Oxide was used as an anaesthetic.) Links to the Jonestown tragedy were also being explored. "We suspected for years there was nitrous in the Kool Aid," Dawg drooled, hacking up a throat oyster the size of WJ's brain.

W. Hamer Johnston, noted cross-dresser and sometimes engine builder said, "I knew it. I just knew it had to be true. My guys didn't get soaking wet in the rain for nothing...err..." and was heard to utter something unintelligible about his poor reactions times, claiming his wife always found he was in fact, extremely quick.


Hey, it makes as much sense as what the slanderers say! Welcome back, Boys. Kick ass!
As I asked before, "Have these GM/Ford mouth-breathers been watching too many X-Files and smoking the drapes with Dan Ackroyd or are they just malicious and Penta(star)-envy stricken?" Most likely both. The case remains open and the perpetrators should be crucified, as should the double digit IQ types who continue to spread lies about mighty MoPar horsepower. How many times have you blown away the competition? Did you use nitrous? I didn't! I waxed all those Ford and GM fannies with good old MoPar horsepower. So did Darrell and Scotty.

We won. We won fair and square. We were going to win fair and square again until some GM (or Ford?) hit man/men broke in to WCSS and destroyed our entire inventory of engines. It's a long road back, be patient, we're almost there, I can smell it. Or is it BG, LM or WJ's cologne, ‘Krylon gold'?

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